Monday, February 18, 2008

10 Things my Dog Has Eaten (and Somehow Survived)

This is my dog, Herman.

 Herman seems to be a mix of lab/golden retriever/chow/terrier/coyote. We'll just call her "cute." Herman is a girl. Herman is not a goat. Herman has a stomach of steel.  Here are some interesting  things Herman has eaten in her three years of life:

1.  When Herman was a puppy and was still being housebroken she had a few accidents in the house. One day as I was cleaning up one of these accidents I noticed that it caught the light in an interesting way.  As I leaned closer I saw that it actually sparkled.   It was like a little disco ball of puppy poo.  Upon further investigation I discovered that Herman had eaten an entire tube of red glitter.   This is how Herman got the nickname "Glitter Shitter."

2.  Like many young women, there was a point when Herman developed a taste for sexy undies. I would come home from work to find everything but the elastic band eaten on my panties or just one cup remaining of a bra.   It didn't  matter if they were cotton or lace, push-up or underwire -- Herman would eat them all.  Eventually I had to stop shopping at Victoria's Secret and find my unmentionables at more frugal locations -- undies are expensive dog treats!  Ask my boyfriend if he still loved Herman after that one. 

3.  When it got to be winter I deemed it way too cold to leave Herman outside all day and would let her stay in the house while I was at work.  One day I came home from the work to find that a 2ft section of the carpet had completely vanished from the middle of the living room -- and Herman in the corner with her tail between her legs.  Turns out Kibbles and Bits were just too ordinary for Herman and she decided to chow down on the flooring.  This his how Herman got the nickname "Carpet Muncher." 

4.  As a young college student in a kickass rental house I deemed it my duty to have the Halloween party of the century.  It was wild and I kept Herman in my room all night for her safety.  The next morning I let her out to use the bathroom and she came back with her entire snout dyed magenta.  Apparently one of our responsible guests had left a half full cup of "Jungle Juice" (Everclear, Vodka, Sangria, Fruit and Kool Aid) outside and Herman took it upon herself to finish it off.   She then spent the rest of the day wining and hiding behind the couch -- seems we were both a bit hungover.  

5.   One night I decided I would take it easy and watch a little TV  and eat some pizza.  I ordered a large pizza from Papa Johns figuring I would save some for later or share it with my roommates.  I opened the box and went into the kitchen to grab a soda.  When I came back the ENTIRE pizza was completely gone.  Herman was only weighed about 15 pounds at this time but somehow she managed to pull off something I had previously only thought was feasible  by frat guys and the morbidly obese. 

6. One day I came home from work to find that some how my little pooch had dyed her snout a deep blue.  I was completely baffled by this and tried to find any blue foods in the house she could have gotten a hold of -- nothing.  It was only when I  found a half empty bag of Miracle Grow with dog teeth marks in it that I figured it out.  Of course being  almost poisoned to death Herman was in the best of spirits and showed no signs of eating the fertilizer -- and no she didn't get any bigger either. 

7.  Probably the most important tip ever given to new dog owners is to not give dogs chocolate as it can prove lethal to our four pawed friends.  Needless to say I panicked when I discovered that Herman had eaten an entire bag of Reeses Peanut butter Cups.  Since she seemed fine I didn't take her to the vet but I kept a close eye on her for the next few days -- then I started seeing the telltale orange wrappers all over the backyard and I knew she was going to be ok. Then about  a week later Herman climbed up on the counter and ate an entire bag of Hershey's Kisses  -- this time I had no sympathy.  

8.  Because prescription drugs are so expensive I found that it is much more cost effective to order them through a company that will supply you with a three months supply at a dramatically discounted rate.  I had just gotten three months worth of birth control when I came home to find all three plastic cases chewed beyond recognition and not a single pill to spare --I guess Herman was planning a wild night out. I called poison control and they assured me she would be just fine -- my boyfriend and I would just have to be extra careful for the next three months (well it's not like I had any sexy underwear to turn him on. anyway)

9.  Herman went to visit my boyfriend's family a few days ago and they had to leave her in the house while they ran some errands.  When they got home they found that Herman had eaten about half of a bird's nest that my  boyfriend's mom had saved from the spring before.  I guess she got halfway through and decided twigs and mud weren't that tasty after all.

10.  My parents are building  a new house and my boyfriend and I have been going down there to help with whatever we can on the weekends.  Last weekend we took Herman with us and we discovered she has quite a craving for gypsum -- we had to continually stop Herman from eating the drywall scraps lying around the construction site -- she didn't seem to bothered by it -- I could tell she was just thinking "All in all it's just another taste of the wall."

I don't know why my dog eats weird stuff.  I promise I feed her -- a lot.  These are just the things I know about that she's eaten -- I can't imagine what she's consumed when I'm not looking. All I know is that she's the best looking 50lb garbage disposal I've ever seen.